


Cease To Exist

by themoonknows



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, it's not a happy story basically, no happy beginning or happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 17:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14453943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonknows/pseuds/themoonknows
Summary: Kim Minseok is just trying to find peace. Luhan wants to help him.





	Cease To Exist

**Author's Note:**

> One of the first fics I wrote, so I decided to share it with you guys. Although it's a pretty heavy fic, I still found it comforting to write. Hope you enjoy!

It doesn't feel right. Somehow, everything still feels too real. He's lying on something hard, not drifting in the stormy winter ocean as he'd expected.

Kim Minseok rises up with a loud groan, now sitting up, while his eyes try to take in his surroundings. He's no longer on the ship. In fact, neither the ship nor the ocean is nowhere to be seen. Everything is just white, so white that he isn't even able to make out where the floor begins and the roof ends. It's like he's standing on an invisible platform, drifting in a white, cloudy abyss.

He expects to feel sore after hitting the water from a jump that high. After all, it was a jump that was meant to put him out of his 26-year-old long misery. But he feels nothing at all. His body feels weightless and when he looks down at his naked body, it's still as flawless as ever, not a single scratch or bruise covering his skin.

"I see that yet another unnecessary suicide has taken place." Minseok snaps his head to where the voice is coming from.

It's a boy, probably in his early 20's, if that. He's wearing nothing but a white blanket, which is draped over his whole body, except his arms, head and lower legs. Something is floating over the boy's head, something very familiar to one of those auras Minseok had seen on different Disney shows when he was a child. He would've laughed if he weren’t so confused.

The young boy is looking at Minseok as if he's expecting the newcomer to respond to the bizarre comment he said a few seconds ago. Minseok stands up, now facing the other boy who's a few feet away from him.

"Who are you and why am I not dead?" he asks eventually. He tries his best to look furious and determined but fails when the younger gives him a bored look.

"No formalities here, I see." A sigh. "My name is Luhan and my job is to guide you to the end or the beginning, whichever you choose when we arrive at our destination." He's rambling every word out as if he has repeated this introduction thousands of times before Minseok showed up.

The boy continues. "I'm sure you're delighted to be informed that you are, as in a matter of fact, dead. Maybe just not in the way you assumed. Please feel free to ask more questions as we begin our short walk towards The Portal." With that being said, he turns around and slowly walks away from a dumbfounded Minseok.

Minseok jogs up to the boy- Luhan- and then slows down to a more comfortable walking pace. There are so many questions he wants to ask. Questions about his suicide, where they are, about Luhan himself and the list is infinite.

When Minseok had finally decided that it was time to end everything, to cease to exist, this wasn't what he'd had in mind. He'd thought that when his body fell from the massive ship that cold November night, he would die and be welcomed by darkness. It was kind of disappointing ending up here. Here, he had to open his mouth to talk, use his brain to think and force his legs to keep up with this new random boy who literally, looked like an angel of the heavens.

He's just about to start asking hundreds of unanswered questions when Luhan beats him to it.

"So..." he begins. Minseok observes that even his voice is as soothing and smooth as an angel's. "Jumping from a ship into freezing water was the best way to go? Why not do as half of my clients? Take a few pills, struggle to breathe for a second or two, and then kiss your lovely life goodbye. That's what I would've done if I were human." Minseok blinks.

"W-why would I tell you anything about me and my ch-choices in life? I just met you." He wants to slap himself for stumbling over the words. Luhan sniggers.

"Well, Mr Kim Minseok, 26 years old, hotel receptionist, single, owns two cats -who are now left all alone in your tiny apartment, may I add- and a has a brother, the one you insisted to join you on the cruise yesterday. I know a lot about you, having read the obligatory report that always arrives a few minutes earlier than The Travies and all that fun stuff. But we never get to know the story behind all your decisions. I don't know why so don't ask.

"It's not like you'll ever meet me again, and it's practically impossible for me to judge you for why a young man like you decided to end everything before it even began. Why not tell me and make something out of your last hour to control your mind and soul?" Sentence after sentence left the boy's lips like water slowly making its way down the riverbank.

Luhan looks expectantly at Minseok while he hesitates. First of all, Luhan had sort of implied that he wasn't human, and Minseok didn't question that since the place they are in right now is way too unrealistic to be a real place on earth. Second of all, he'd mentioned the word 'Travies'.

"Travies," Minseok states in a monotone voice. Luhan tilts his head like a confused puppy. "You said something about 'Travies'. What's that?"

"Oh... That's just the word we use to label our clients. Everyone who dies ends up here one way or another, even though it's just for an hour or so. Since all of us have really bad imagination, we just played around with the word 'Travelers'." He chuckles when Minseok gives him an unimpressed look. "I know, I know. You're not the first one to think that the definition is kind of disappointing."

They walk in silence for a while, Luhan giving him some time to take everything in. Minseok is thankful. Luhan seems like a pretty nice boy, even though nothing makes sense to him right now. He still has so many questions to ask, but he remembers that Luhan had said something about the journey only taking about an hour, so he doesn't want to waste it by asking unnecessary questions.

"So?" Minseok looks at Luhan as he suddenly speaks. The younger boy raises his eyebrows in question. "Are you going to tell me why you did it? Why this is better than spending time with your brother on the cruise?"

Minseok sighs since he knows that Luhan will just keep on asking until he finally explains everything. "I didn't feel so good, or rather, don't feel so good. It's been that way since I was in my early teens." Even though he's staring ahead of himself, he feels the way Luhan looks at him. Like Minseok is a sad and lonely man without any friends, like he's a tragic failure, which isn't exactly incorrect. He continues.

"To make a long story short. I was born in a family that had too great expectations of me. They wanted me to become someone who would be of value, you know?" He takes a deep breath.

This is the first time he talks about his feelings like this, but since he'll never see this boy again, he doesn't mind. Something about Luhan, his innocent expressions and golden aura, make Minseok feel at ease. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to actually let someone know who Kim Minseok really was before he was about to decide his destiny, or whatever Luhan had meant with that.

"Either way, I just never belong anywhere. You can only cope for so long without any friends until you finally decide that you would be less of a burden if you just disappear. That's why I quit feeling sorry for myself two years ago, why I quit saving all those 'inspirational' quotes about how everything will be all right in the end. And I do believe that it will be okay, I just don't think that earth is my final destination, so I will be okay elsewhere." A small smile is playing on his lips when he finishes his short summary of his life. Luhan doesn't smile though.

"Why didn't you give up right away? You said that you quit feeling sorry for yourself two years ago. Why not end it all back then instead of dragging out on it?" Minseok didn't think he would ask about that, but he is happily surprised that the angelic boy shows interest in him, something no one had done in years.

"Because I'm a coward," Minseok replies simply and Luhan stares at him in an unreadable way. "I waited because I didn't want to kill myself if there was still some chance that life would change for the better. Everyone always makes too quick decisions and I think they're imprudent, so that's why I waited." He opens his arms and waves them in front of his body. "But as you can see, nothing changed so I ended up here anyway."

He should feel embarrassed since he's walking around stark naked with a literal clothed angel. Perhaps nudity is the last thing one thinks of when they are about to leave their whole life behind. Maybe Luhan can read his mind -to be honest, nothing can surprise Minseok anymore- because suddenly, Minseok is wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt, still no shoes on his feet. That feels way more comfortable than just seconds ago.

"You should wear some clothes to whichever place you decide to go to," Luhan explains and if Minseok isn't mistaken, a faint blush is painting the angel's cheeks. The younger clears his throat. "You are not a coward, by the way. A coward wouldn't even be able to imagine how much dying hurts, no matter which way you end your life. It was actually clever of you to wait those two years. That is something none of my other clients has ever done. I bet you at least smiled a couple of times during those two years, am I correct?"

Minseok thinks back on the last couple of years. It hadn't been easy, but of course, some stupid Internet meme had cracked him up a time or two. Not to mention his brother who was one of the few people who Minseok didn't actually detest. He'd been able to talk some sense into him a few times and he was grateful, he really was, but it still hadn't been enough.

He had laughed a few times, cried to that one movie which always managed to break his heart, yelled at his cats for breaking his things and never listening to him.

Kim Minseok had existed, but he had never lived. There's a difference.

Still, maybe Luhan was right about him not being a coward. The thought of not being a complete failure calmed his senses for a while.

"I guess you're right," Minseok states and nods thoughtfully. He claps his hands together. "So... enough about me. Tell me something about you! Are you really an angel or are your looks just playing a trick on me?"

Luhan snorts but still manages to look beautiful. Minseok can't help to think that Luhan is the type of guy that he wouldn't mind checking out in the real world. Sure, he has never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, but the younger boy attracts him in some weird way. Who wouldn't fall for those dark hazel eyes, sharp chin and defined jawline, blond voluminous hair which looks as soft as cotton and skin as delicate as the most expensive silk?

Luhan hesitates for a while before he answers. "There's actually not that much to say. Even I myself don't really know who or what I am."

"What about the basics? You know my name, family and age so it's only fair that you tell me that small piece of information."

A snigger.

"Well as you already know, I'm Luhan. The only things I know for sure is that I'm 28 human years old and that I don't have a family since I wasn't practically born," he says and smiles at Minseok who is staring at him in chock.

"What do you mean you're 28 years old?" he almost yells and feels his cheeks rise in temperature when Luhan looks confused. "Here I've been walking around thinking that you're five years younger than me, but then you turn out to actually be older than me!"

"Believe it or not, but you're not the first one who asks that question," he laughs, a sound more clear and more lively than the orange sunsets Minseok always watched everyday before it all ended. "I guess I should see it as a compliment though."

"You should," Minseok agrees. "There are plenty of humans who would trade your looks with their own if they had the chance. You're not really missing out on anything in the real world or whatever you call it. Everything is just so shallow."

Luhan nods but doesn't seem to agree, but he leaves the subject and they continue their walk towards The Portal. Minseok isn't sure what to expect when they'll reach their destination. 'The Portal' sounds like a lame name from a game for teenagers without any goals in life. But after all, who is Minseok to judge someone based on his or her life goals.

He doesn't know for how long they are walking. It feels like an eternity but also just a few minutes. Luhan continues to ask questions about Minseok previous life, and Minseok tries his best to get some information about Luhan himself. All he really knows about the older - how he can be older is a question that will never be answered- is his name and that he's basically a human definition of an angel.

Luhan seems like a nice guy and he never presses for information if he notices that Minseok gets uncomfortable. But Minseok doesn't want to cherish the man too much. There's no point in getting attached to someone when you're supposed to leave everything behind in just a few minutes.

After a while, Luhan halts and Minseok follows. Out of nowhere, two enormously high stone portals rise from the white abyss. The whole process should sound louder than it does, but Minseok assumes the laws of physics don’t exist in a place like this. Soon, the portals stop expanding and everything falls dead silence. Luhan turns so that his whole body is facing towards Minseok's.

"This is where I will leave you, or rather, you will leave me," he states, puts his small hand on Minseok's broad shoulder and squeezes lightly.

"What do you mean?" Minseok panics. How can Luhan expect him to be able to walk around here on his own? "You can't just take on the mission to take care of me and then leave me alone with two huge portals. I don't even know what they are for!" He barely notices his voice rising in volume.

Another hand is now laying on his other shoulder and Luhan shakes him lightly so that Minseok gives his full attention to the other man.

"I'll always be stuck in this place, Minseok. But you won't so don't freak out, okay? These are the portals I've been talking about since you arrived," Luhan explains while a bitter smile plays on his lips.

He doesn't seem too happy about Minseok leaving. Minseok turns to look at the gigantic establishments, both portals towering over them like skyscrapers. The left one is filled with something that looks like yellow mist, while the right one is pitch black, none of them showing any hints of what might be on the other side.

"Okay, so what you see in front of you are portals that lead to two different paths," the angel says, trying his best to sound cheerful since he knows that this is what Minseok wants. "The yellow one to your left, allows you to enter a world where you'll still exist. Think of it as 'heaven' or 'afterlife'. There you'll meet all your relatives and friends who have passed on. You can't feel any physical or emotional pain there, so that's why this portal is very popular with our clients."

Minseok stares at the yellow portal, but he's not satisfied with the explanation, so he waits for Luhan to continue.

"The one to your right is, as you can see, really dark. Where do you think it leads?" Luhan asks and faces Minseok. Minseok continues to stare at the arches.

"Well since the left one is Heaven, shouldn't this one be Hell? I guess it looks intimidating for people who aren't me," Minseok sniggers and puts his hands in his jean pockets. Luhan joins in with a silent giggle.

"It's a good guess, but it's wrong. There's no such thing as a real heaven or hell in this universe," Luhan states while looking away from Minseok, his eyes staring into the dark portal. "This one leads to nothing."

A shiver makes its way through Minseok's body, a satisfying shiver.

"Once you step your foot inside, you'll never function again. You will have no physical body or mind, so you won't really notice anything. Kim Minseok will cease to exist, that's if you choose this one of course," the angel quickly adds. "Although, we do recommend our costumers to choose the other one. There they can restart without feeling any unnecessary pain."

Minseok shakes his head and turns to Luhan. There's barely any height difference between them. It strikes him that he's never seen anyone as beautiful as the boy in front of him, and he's happy to have had Luhan as his personal guide during his last moments of life, or whatever you could call the state he's in right now.

"I know what I want, Luhan. I'm tired of thinking and feeling, tired of being surrounded by people."

"But you won't feel any sadness in the yellow world!" Luhan exclaims, as if not wanting Minseok to do this to himself. "You'll meet all your relatives! And... and you can choose to be alone whenever you want, just in a brighter place! They'll let-"

Minseok grabs the other's hand firmly and tries his best to send his message into Luhan's eyes. The angel stops rambling and pays his full attention to Minseok.

"My relatives couldn't care less about me, honestly. I know this isn't the answer you want, neither as an employer of a supernatural ruler, angel or friend." Luhan’s deer eyes widen in shock of the mention of Minseok seeing him as a friend. "I want nothing, literally nothing. I want out. That's it and I won't change my mind, Luhan."

It seems like Luhan gets the message because he relaxes his shoulders and smiles sadly at Minseok.

"I know," he sighs and Minseok squeezes his hand a little harder. "It's just never fun to watch another young person end their story. It's like watching one of those movies you humans have when it says 'The End' when it's over. But I respect your decision. I have to."

They stand in silence for a while, one pair of eyes staring into the darkness, another pair of eyes taking in every inch of Kim Minseok. Because Luhan has gone through this process thousands of times before, and he knows that he will be the last one to ever see what Minseok looks like. This small act of attention is the least a person like him deserves.

Luhan lets Minseok have a moment. Minseok doesn't know why he's dragging out on it since he has already decided what he'll do. After all, he'd already gone through the dwelling thoughts right before he decided to jump off that cruise. All the thinking and hesitating has already passed, and he's more than ready to leave this world for good.

"It's time, Minseok. There's sadly a lot of people waiting for their turn," Luhan states after some time of comfortable silence.

Minseok snaps out of his drowsy state. He looks at Luhan who's taken his time to guide him through this abyss. It actually wasn't that bad to spend the last hour “alive” with a man he's never met before. Luhan had made him open up about his life, something he'd never imagined talking about before. He was grateful for having Luhan by his side until the very end.

"Thank you, Luhan," Minseok presses out between strained lips. He doesn't know why he's getting emotional. "For listening to my stories and for not making this short trip miserable."

He ends with a joke because this isn't the time to let 26 years worth of hidden emotions through. Luhan offers him a genuine smile, perfect teeth showing and all. He then proceeds by lightly squeezing the younger's arm and then taking a step back, away from the portals.

"I wish you nothing but happiness, Kim Minseok. Although you won't be needing it when you'll step through the portal I think you're going to choose." Luhan's voice trembles a little. "You do what's best for you."

Minseok tries his best to smile widely at the older man, something he hasn't done in years. This is the last time he'll ever see another person. The last time he will be able to distinguish the honey colour of Luhan's hair, the hazel eyes that sparkle with something Minseok's has never done, the colour of the angel's lips that reminds him so much of the peaches him and his brother always bought from the street market down their street.

They've only known each other for less than an hour, but Minseok is still so grateful for meeting someone as genuine as Luhan. Maybe it's because he's a literal angel, or maybe it's because he's got all the right traits to be a good friend.

With an inaudible sigh, Minseok turns away from the last living creature he'll ever lay his eyes upon.

The two portals look like mouths, both trying their best to swallow Minseok whole. But he already knows which one he's going to choose. A small step towards the black arch is all it takes because suddenly the yellow portal sinks down into the white abyss. If Minseok isn't mistaken, he can make out the low sound of Luhan realising a shaky breath. But he won't turn around to look at him. He's already made his choice.

Kim Minseok has existed, but he has never lived. And Kim Minseok will end his life with no experience of living a decent life.

One big step and half his body is swallowed by infinite darkness. He can already feel his soul slipping away from him.

No more thoughts. No more pain.

Another step and Kim Minseok is gone, leaving no trace of ever existing behind.

 

 

 

 

Luhan stares blankly at the dark portal, which is now making its way back through the hazy ground. His aura changes to a barely noticeable darker yellow, as it does after almost every client's decision. As it does every time he fails to do his job as an angel.


End file.
